When I first returned home, I was in shock. Something I had dreamt about since I was a little girl had been ripped away from me. I could not believe it, but it was the truth; reality had stolen my dream.
Since returning home I have been self isolating for a total of 34 days. My emotions for the first two weeks were quite sporadic. But when things in the U.S. started to take a turn for the worst I really felt a strong sense of panic.
At first, the virus felt like something I had escaped, I left it behind in Europe and in my mind it would not affect my life more than it already had. Part of me viewed it as an anecdote I would tell my kids about one day... “I had escaped Italy due to a global pandemic!” I thought I would do my 14 day self quarantine and would be free to do as I pleased when that was over. But then the U.S. got hit and I realized this would be my reality for much more than just two weeks.
I do not know if I have become numb through my adaption to this life of social distancing, but I surely choose to avoid information regarding the virus until it is completely dire that I know it. As a very anxious person, my number one strategy is avoidance.
Is this the most intelligent thing to do given the circumstances?
No, probably not.
Will it save me from my anxious thoughts and maybe let me sleep better at night?
I highly doubt it, but that's the goal!
My mother on the other hand, chooses to watch the news at noon and 6 pm everyday. Often, I happen to stumble in upon her watching and catch the most important info of the day, but then I will leave the room.
“Governor Cuomo of New York said:
“Emotion is a luxury, right? To be angry is a luxury. We don’t have that luxury right now. Let’s just deal with the facts, let’s just get through it.”
I want to make it clear that I am aware of the information I need to know and no more than that. I understand that my point of view of avoiding the excess information that might cause me anxiety and stress is a luxury because I am actually able to stay home. I luckily do not have to work because my parents jobs can support my brother and I.
I will say, though, that my sense of excitement for the future has surely disappeared, or in fact has just become numb, in this time period. I cannot help but think of the last weekend of January of this year. I was in Florence with friends and was so excited about the next few months. I was looking forward to experiencing springtime in Italy and was planning on traveling all over europe. Since the possibility of all of that ended, my flights were canceled and plans were forgotten, I have not felt anywhere near the same.
My main thought is that I will never get this time in my life back, which is heartbreaking… but I am blessed to still have my life at this point. I find solace in knowing that we are all experiencing this together and every day I am doing my best to remember that I am not alone in the struggles I am experiencing.
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